Jen Weaver blogged two weeks ago and she referenced a question that today, I would like to answer. “Is there any dirt on this guy?” she asked. Well, let me answer that question by opening the door to my past and to all my mistakes and all my regrets…So, maybe we don’t need to bring out all the mistakes and regrets specifically but lets talk about my dirt. The sum of my dirt (like the movie The Sum of All Fears).
Everyone is interested in dirt, right? Don’t we all just gravitate to the drama, to the failure? I do. Don’t we want to speak of people instead of things. Don’t we want to speak of the past more than we do of the future. The impact over the intent. I seem to constantly catch myself wanting to talk about the bad and seldom the good, about the rare over the majority. We base our decisions on the dirt. We even help other people make decisions by spreading the dirt. But today I don’t want to get into that, but no promises. Back to me and the dirt I want to share with everyone…ready for this…I disappoint people! After 24 years, I realize that I disappoint people. I look back and even currently and see a long list of mistakes and drama, but the underlying theme to it all is that I simply disappoint. I end up setting expectations either through my words or my actions or both. After the expectations are set, somewhere along the way, my words or actions seem to contrast the expectations. This contrast then seems to lead to disappointment. Maybe the expectations are too high. Maybe the disappointment too unexpected. But in the end, we are human and with humanity comes disappointment. So the one certainty you can count on, if you roll with me long enough, is that I will disappoint you. I will break away from the expectations set for me, causing drama and creating dirt. I know some of you want to hear the juice, you want to hear details – not today. I just want to sit here for a moment and write about how we handle the dirt. So at this point I am saying that everyone has dirt. One of the only certainties in life is that when 2 or more people exist in one space and time, there will be disappointment (or conflict). When expectations are set from one party, then the opportunity exists to disappoint and let down. So, what do we do with the fact that we will only end up failing and disappointing people. Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. All I can think to do is keep moving along and to keep trying to learn from it all. When it comes to my attention that I let someone and their expectations down, I first process the information, fix the situation (if needed), learn from it, but then MOVE ON. I feel that I can say this but it seems impossible to do. The dirt seems to always come up, no matter how old (or new) or how inaccurate (or accurate). There is power in knowing and there is power in sharing. And not only do we disappoint people, there are also different degrees of disappointment. Think about it. If we let down someone because of the expectations set on us then wouldn’t it make sense that the higher the expectations, the more dramatic the disappointment can be. This is the difference in someone who drives a new car compared to an old car. My car has almost 200k miles on it and if it breaks down, I am not as disappointed with it because my almost expect it to break down, but if I had a brand new car, then I would be incredibly disappointed. So the higher the expectations, the greater the potential in the disappointment.
Along with disappointing someone, comes the fact that we will be disappointed. I can not think of a single person in my life that has been able to interact with me consistently without disappointing me. I meet someone and I end up setting some expectations on the person and our friendship but, sure enough, they end up missing the mark. But think back to all of your friends and your family. Can you name one person that has gone your whole life without disappointing you? I would think no. If you think, yes, then hang out with the person more. So I don’t think I need to expand on this item much. We now know that we disappoint people and don’t live up to expectations and that the roles are constantly being reversed. In act I, someone will play the disappointed and the other the disappointing, by by act II, the roles have switched.
So what do we do with this…I don’t know. I don’t think we should settle for the depressing idea that we all are a disappointment to someone and that people will ultimately be disappointing. I think we should understand that and learn to coop with it. I now know that I will not meet expectations at times and so will the people I interact with…fine! If it is going to happen, let me learn from it. Let me seek to improve. Just because I created dirt in the past doesn’t mean that I have to play in the dirt again. Get out of the sandbox and play in the grass for once – ok, that was terrible! I apologize for that last statement. Play in the grass? that was silly. But you know what I mean.
So I think we have 2 responsibilities. 1.) Try not to disappoint but when we do, identify the problem, communicate the resolution, and correct it. 2.) Try not to be disappointed, but when we are, start with the expectations, communicate the problem, wait for the response, and then if resolved - let it go (because tomorrow you will disappoint the same person you are condemning today). Now I understand it isn’t that simple when feelings are involved and everything else, but listen – We all have dirt and we all make mistakes, isn’t it time that we acknowledge but then resolve instead of acknowledge and then linger and condemn. We are not held accountable to what is done to us but we sure are accountable for what we do and how we react. Being disappointed doesn’t give us the right to go and disappoint – it should inspire us to the opposite.
My dirt can be categorized simply as disappointing but from that, I have become who I am today and will continue to grow and mature. So hopefully, I can improve and learn to disappoint less but to respectfully react to disappointment more.
